At the store I work at, we always have the same shitty country music radio station playing; twenty four fucking hours a day (except for three months around Christmas time). And during all of this time listening to the same old boring shit on almost a daily basis, I've noticed a select few songs that bring the genre down to a whole new level of suckiness. To make matters worse, they play these songs more frequently than any of the other shitty country songs; so often that the morons who shop there actually hum along to the tunes in line, aggravating me further.1. Rodney Atkins - "Watching You" This can be best described as one of those "feel-good" songs that these shitty country artists make in-between failed albums. This is a song about how a kid wants to be just like his dad. "He said, I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that kool? I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We got cowboy boots and camo pants. Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad. I want to do everything you do. So I’ve been watching you." You want to do everything your dad has done, do you? Does that include having sex with your own mother, you sick incestuous fuck? Songs like this are the reason that rednecks inbreed so damn much.2. Rodney Atkins - "If You're Going Through Hell" This is the song that says, "If you're going through Hell, keep on going..." I just can't get enough of this song and its not-so-hidden message. "I'm going through Hell. Should I make my life better or dig myself deeper in the hole?" Don't ask Rodney Atkins if you have something to live for. 3. Tim McGraw - "The Last Dollar" This song wouldn't be so intolerable if he didn't plug a chorus of children (presumably his) into the fucking song. Asshole, nobody likes the sound of childrens' voices, except maybe pedophiles. But regardless, nobody in their right mind would want to listen to some prepubescent twat squak their high-pitched voice and follow along an already-cacophonic aural catastrophe.4. Brad Paisley - "Ticks" This song is about checking someone (presumably Brad's whore-of-the-week) for ticks. Sexual innuendo, or a reference to the fact that the only people who listen to this dog-shit music are homeless people and mutated white trash? Either way, the song sucks and Brad Paisley should be beaten for this atrocity he calls a song.5. Carrie Underwood - "Before He Cheats" Let me tell you all a secret: The key to keeping your significant other from cheating on you is to not spread your legs to the first drunken moron with a naturally-slurred voice, get knocked up, and marry out of guilt. This advice comes too late for Carrie Underwood, who wrote a song about demolishing an innocent car because her husband/boyfriend/fuck-toy cheated on her with another woman. Big fucking deal! Oh, boo-hoo! He cheated on you. Do you know what you do? Dump his ass and date someone else. Life sucks-- stop crying and shrieking into the microphone because you're too much of a sopping fool to find a real man. A decent man will only ever cheat on a woman either if she's not satisfying or if he suspects she's doing the same and wants revenge. Then again, you probably pick up your suitors at family reunions so my words are wasted on you. I can't stand these fucking songs anymore. I would say we ban them from the airwaves if I didn't advocate free speech. Even with that in mind, I'm tempted to do so.
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